Epic
by BookWyrm90
Summary: How the plan to destroy the Death Star again was actually developed. Or, my first attempt at crack-fic.
The Stormtrooper hurried down the gray corridor of the half-finished battle station. He had to deliver this information to his superior immediately. He breathed a sigh of relief as he spotted the room he was looking for. The white-armored soldier was speaking almost before he had opened the door. "Commander, I have urgent new…"

The trooper froze, certain he had just effectively ended his own life. He hastily bowed exclaiming, "My Lord Emperor!" The trooper swallowed nervously. "My deepest apologies, Emperor Palpatine. I was unaware… I will give my report later."

The trooper was turning to go when he heard a voice that made him think of nothing so much as an old snake. "No. I would like to hear this… urgent news of yours. Come. Give your report." It was astonishing the level of threat packed into that simple statement.

The trooper let the door close behind him. He glanced once at his commander before launching into his report. "I was monitoring the cameras we recently managed to place at the hero's meeting…"

* * *

Chaos. Pure, unadulterated chaos.

Alfred sighed. One would think that a group formed of people that saved the world/galaxy/universe/multi-verse on a semi-regular basis would have more discipline than this. As it was, they couldn't even decide on a leader. Everyone in the group was used to either working solo or being the leader themselves. The system that had finally been hashed out was that the position of Secretary would be permanently filled by a single individual, and a lottery system would be used to select a new leader every two weeks. It sounded complex and official in theory, but was usually accomplished by drawing a name out of a hat. This began a dispute on who should be placed as the secretary, none of them had experience playing second fiddle.

Alfred had eventually volunteered, mostly to prevent an escalation of the debate. There had been a short discourse on whether or not he was supposed to be there, technically he was not active enough to fall under the 'hero' category. Then someone, Robin, pointed out that he had brought the scones. This effectively halted all arguments and Alfred was sworn in as secretary with indecent haste on the condition that he continue to provide the beloved pastries.

 _Which_ , Alfred mused, _brings me right back to a room full of heroes acting like three-year-olds._ After several failed calls for order, Alfred reached into his jacket and pulled out an mp3 player he kept just for situations like these. One press of a button later and the sound of evil laughter filled the room. Silence fell as everyone present snapped into a variety of offensive stances.

"Thank you for your attention. The forty-third weekly meeting of Heroes Anonymous has officially started. I would like to remind Misters Boromir and Dumbledore that the Dead-In-Cannon Support Group is down the hall. Yes, you may take your scones with you. Master Bruce, Mister Stark, if you wish to do business, please restrain yourselves until after the meeting.

"Our first order of business is an anonymous vote on the introduction of Mr. and Mrs. William Turner as members of our group. Many excellent arguments for both sides were presented at our meeting last week. I hope you will take everything that was discussed into consideration as you make your decision. Young Master Richard, would you please assist me in handing out the voting ballots?"

The brightly colored vigilante hopped out of his seat, pipping "Sure, Alfred," in his adolescent voice. As Alfred thanked Robin, he thought of how adorable his young charge was. (Not that he would ever say so aloud. Richard's pride would never allow it.) After the vote had been counted (the Turners would receive their letter of membership the next day), Alfred began the process of choosing the next leader.

The results of the drawing often proved to be interesting. Whenever Thor was elected, he insisted on everyone traveling to his own home-dimension for the meetings. The food was good, and it was always interesting to observe the workings of alternate 'verses, but the habits of the natives could be somewhat… off putting. And if that was not bad enough, the family feuds could, and did, reach levels that made the Hatfields and McCoys look like a church social by comparison.

The Doctor's term in office had been even worse. Alfred was certain that he had done more running in those two weeks than in any other two years combined. The Doctor had been banned by common consent from ever participating in the lottery again. A general sigh of relief was heard when Alfred formally announced Captain America as the winner. Of all the people there, he was the least likely to place anyone in mortal danger (from either outside or inside forces). The captain proceeded to take over the stand.

"First off, I would like to readdress the issue brought up by Luke and his friends at the last meeting. Does anyone have any suggestions regarding his Emperor-of-the-galaxy-rebuilding-a-battleship-the-size-of-a-moon problem?"

Almost instantly, a rough voice yelled "Hulk, Smash!"

Thor raised his hammer, "I agree with the angry, green one!"

Alfred interposed briefly. "Doctor, please refrain from triggering Dr. Banner's transformation with your sonic screwdriver; regardless of how interesting it is scientifically." A thump was heard as the Doctor's Companion promptly smacked him in the back of the head followed by a muffled apology. Captain America began speaking again.

"Thank you, Alfred. And thank you, Hulk. Are there any more suggestions?"

"We have one," a voice echoed from nowhere. Half the members in the room began looking around confusedly and four shadows seemed to pull away from the darkest part of the room. The shadows resolved into shinobi clad in four separate colors, and how had the one clothed all in red managed to hide in the shadows? The black ninja spoke up again. "You need to sneak into their compound and…"

"And spin them all to death!" interrupted the red ninja as he began to prove his point by spinning violently in circles. Suddenly, he stopped spinning and spoke again. "And we, the shinobi of the great discipline of spinjitsu, will aid you!"

Luke responded, "Thanks for the offer, but the laws of the multi-verse won't let you help." Captain America took the floor back.

"Luke is right. You know you cannot travel to closed dimensions. If there are no more ideas, does anyone have an actual plan?"

"I think you should do both." The red and yellow genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist's voice rang out. The statement received several confused looks.

"And how, exactly, are we supposed to take both a stealthy rout and use brute force?" Solo's cynical drawl rang out.

Tony's eyes rolled hard enough to strain something and he sighed as if he could not believe that he was having to explain this. "It's simple enough. You said there is a shield around the battle station so you can't attack, right? So all you have to do is send a stealth team down to the plant where the shield originates. They do their sneaking thing and the shield goes down. Then, the main force comes in and they do their brute force thing. Even a moron could figure that out."

Captain America spoke up before Tony's acute tact deficiency could cause a fight. "I personally think this plan has great potential. Luke, as it is your 'verse, could you give us your opinion?"

The young Jedi thought for a second. "I like it. It will work."

Alfred spoke again after glancing at his watch. "On that note, this would be a good time for a break. Refreshments are in the back and please do not stampede again."

* * *

The Stormtrooper commander stared in horror as his trooper completed the report. He turned to the Emperor. "Sir, we must do something immediately! This plan is pure genius. There is no chance we could-"

"Enough!" The sharp command from Emperor Palpatine silenced the babbling man. "If those fools think their puny idea is enough to defeat my glorious might then they are sadly mistaken. Because-

"Freddy, time for dinner! Make sure you put away your Legos before coming down!"

"Okay, Mom."

* * *

This was actually completed several years before I ever heard about the Lego Movie, which is why it was not under that category. I did this as part of a project for school and forgot about it until just recently. And yes, that is a reference to the Roommates fancomic.


End file.
